the truth of love...and what it means to me

Love |lᵊv|

noun

1 an intense feeling of deep affection

* a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone

* (love) a personified figure of love, often represented as Cupid.

* a great interest and pleasure in something

* affectionate greetings conveyed to someone on one's behalf.

* a formula of ending an affectionate letter

that is what webster says "love" is. but what is true love. in the romantic sense and non-romantic sense? we all have our own definition of what love is. but how many of us took the time to learn what it really means to love someone? how many of us have just said "i love you" with out any real "feeling" behind it? is love even a feeling? we use the word love about as often as we take a breath. i love cake. i love this, i love that. but what really does it mean to love. i have been wondering this for some time. i have talked about it many times with friends and non-friends. wondering, thinking, searching, wanting, and asking what is love. the following is what i have come up with in the last 23 1/2 years of life.

i look back to the first time i was in "love". i know my sister cassie knows this story so well i am sure she could tell it to you. as many of you know i was taken advantage of when i was younger. well that lead to many years of mistrust of woman, and even my own parents (they were not the ones that took advantage of me). where to start this story, oh where to start...i think i will start this story in the 5th grade. back then i hung out with a group from church all the time. one of the girls in the group would always talked about a girl from school that she was trying to get to come to church. the summer in between 5th and 6th grades she finally came to church. i can remember everything about that night. it was a hot saturday, cassie and i for whatever reason were not sitting with the parents, which was weird cause we always did. well anyway, we were out in the hall when i saw "her". wow is the word that came to mind. she wore a yellow tank-top with a white shirt over it, black pants, and "midget" shoes ie shoes that had like two inches of heel. so cassie and i talk to "her" for the whole serves. that night at home i told cassie that she was a total wow for me. it was what i thought was love at first sight was. soon there after we were hanging out all the time. most saturday nights after church we (the group) went over her house or some ones hang out. we became fast friends. i "loved" "her" because she was alright with me being me. we talked all the time. we even wrote letter to each other when i was grounded for the phone. funny cause we saw each other at least once a week anyway. all i know is i felt safe with being open with "her'. i told her that i liked "her" with in the first year of knowing her. a couple year goes by and we all enter Jr. high. wow what a time that was. i spent many nights hanging out at her house or she came to mine. truly a great friend. the funny thing was growing up my parents had the most rules when it came to almost everything, but i never had a set curfew. i mostly went home when someone could give me a ride or my parents came and got me. i can think of many nights when we would just hang out and talk for hours on end. well as life would have it she started dating one of my good friends soon after all of us started going to jr. high. that was the only time that i can remember we fought. me being jealous of something i could not have. ( i was not aloud to date at the time) but i got over it soon. and we were back to being great friends. i cant remember when, but at some point in time i told "her" that i would wait for "her" until the day she got married. in the 8th grade i moved about two and half hours away. it was really hard for me to leave my best friend. i did not have that many friends to begin with and the thought of leaving the one person who got me, who did not care who i was, what i did, and who i could always talk to, really scared me. we stayed in touch as best we could. over this time i liked other girls, but was always drawn back to "her". through out the high school years she dated. shoot, i even dated. at some point i had heard a saying once and took it as my own...."love is wanting the best for someone even if you have to put your own wants and needs aside". wow, that is a hard thing to do, but i wanted to really live by those words. my family would go down to see old friends and i would always make it a point to see "her". i can remember this one time my dad and i went down to paint a friends house, but i got a few hours to hang with "her". so when it came time for we to meet up with my dad, so we could drive back up home. i told "her" again that i would wait until the second she said, "I do". she laughed it off as me just joking around. but really i look back on that as THE time i should have not let "her" get away with laughing it off, but really try to make "her" understand that i was not joking around. from there our lives went into over-drive. i got kick out of the house soon there after and really wondered around. i really lost my way in life. but i still called, the only person i knew could always trust, when i had the chance. while i was living on my own i call "her" one day and she told me about something she had done. she had had sex! i was totally at a lose for words. i did not know what to do. i was hurt more than anything, because i thought she knew that that was something i wanted to share that with "her" when we got married. i really thought that one day that we would get married and have kids. well being dumb and really really stupid i went and had sex just to be like, "hey if you can do it i can too!" i look back at this moment in my life and i am like," wow that was totally stupid." but that is how i felt and at this point in my life i was high alot and not following Christ as i know i should have been. not to say that this is a good excuse, but that is where i was in life. life kept going on as it always does and at one point i even dated a friend of "hers". in my senior year of hight school she got engaged and that summer she got married. i really did know how to feel. i mean on the one hand i was happy for her. but on the other i really felt like i had lost out on someone great. i was also hurt and felt a lot of heart brokennes. at this time i had moved back in with my parents, but soon i was up to my old habits and was once again kick out. by the fall of 2003 i had joined the army and by feb i was gone to Ft. Benning for the "Ft. Benning camp for boys"...ie basic training.

ok ok so you must be like what heck does half of this have to do with love. let me tell you what i had to learned. i have learned to put my needs and wants behind me, learn that true love takes work, time, self sacrifice and it takes being broken of what i want. i had to learn to be alright with who she had become. through all the thing that have happened in both our live we are still great friends to this day. we both have made dumb moves. though through it all we have remained great friends, that just want the best for each other. even when it has been hard to put our own selfish wants aside we do because we know that in the end we are there for each other. what i am trying to say, is love is somthing that had taken me over 10 years to learn about and i am learning more with each relationship, friendship, and even in being hurt. love has shown me that no matter what, i have a friend that take me for who i and know that i will do the same. are there time when i want to go back so i can change things yes!! we cant though, so i keep moving on. trying to grown with each step. 

i told just other day a friend that love is "better open and honest than guarded and unrisked." that is really how i try to live. i love with reckless abandonment. not to say i dont guard my heart, but i do love long and hard. i think of how Jesus died for us...why? because he wanted the best for us!! He wanted us to know true love. He died knowing the pain it would bring Him, and still He died willingly. i know first hand what that means, because i would die for the love i have for this country and all of you back home. i hope that those of you who know me know that i do love each of you and i just want what is best in your life. this summer i had to relearn what it means to put my feelings aside. i liked a really good friend of mine, but when i told her she told me that she had  started dating someone else that everyday. timing seems to be a problem for me in my life. i be came jealous and mad. at some point i was like why am i mad. this really is dumb of me to be pissed off. she is happy and by my own words i should have listen to what i know is love, the selflessness in it. i was just being selfish and did not want to look past my own wants. i saw how dumb i was being and really  had to be like, "ok stupid. you need to start living what you say more!"  i ask her for forgiveness and was free to love again. 

i want to live life with the love Christ had for us. i mean really live it. i want people to say when i die that i love soo much that is totally overwhelmed them. i want to be known as someone who would give up his own life for a friend or just someone to sit and listen to what is on your heart. so if you see that i am not living like this, you all have the right to tell me that i am not. just be like, "hey buddy you might want to read your own blog about love." so to all of you who read this i want you to know that i am here for you in your time of need. i am here to show you love and want it really means to me. its time we let go of what WE want and start looking at what the people in our lives NEED.  John 13:34-35 "i give you a new commandment: that you love one another. just as i have love you, you should also love one another. by this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." this is the love i want. this is the love i want you all to see in me. i hope you all can see my heart in this. see the passion i have for love. and with that love comes the desire to give of myself. i want to know this love like i know it. i want people see this love in me. oh how i wish for this. i pray that Christ lives in me this way. i want to shine with His love. i long for the day when you all know this to be true in me.

i hope you can understand this. i know it i alot and some of my thoughts are totally out there. i know i tend to ramble on all about me, but hey this is my blog. if i want to put a picture of me in a speedo i will...but thankfully for you dont have a picture like that. jk! i miss you all and i hope you enjoy what i have writen.

A CHANGE OF HEART?

so as where do i start.....this past week has been in a word wow. as most of you know my high school years were spent in this very strait arrow town. i always swore that i would never ever move back there. well as many of you know God has this little thing were He is like riiiiight....soo you dont want to do "said thing" well guess what. so this past week i He changed my heart totally and completely i want to move back up to this lil town that drives me crazy. i know crazy, cause i hated thing place sooo much growing up. i did everything to be different. to just drive the people of this town nuts. make them feel uncomfortable around me. to make them go what is wrong with that kid. well i am who i am and it seems as if God wants me back up there. which is really weird to me. i never though i would feel this way. cause really i hate how the people look at others that dont fit the mold of what a "good christian" should look like. i have tattoos, i rock the heck out of the mo-hawk, i listen to rock n' roll, i am ok with who people are, i am totally and completely out of my mind, i love with reckless abandonment, and i am generally crazy. But i love christ and want Him to lead my life. yes at times i struggle but i am open with that and know that that is part of life. 

so that is what is going on with me! hey i hope you all are doing great. i hope to see and spend time with you all when i get home this summer. later and love!

words i use to help a friend....things i have learned and now am using in real life!!

so hello friends!! i hope all of you are doing well....wow i am talking to no one and yet everyone. you all can now say i am loosing it. ok ok ok so on to what i have to say. i have so really great friends. i mean other than my HUGE family i have been blessed this some truly wonderful people in my life. over the last 10 years i have had the same best friend. but of close to the last four or five i have added another. we were talking the other day, about the struggles that we have both been going through. depression, unloveable, bitterness, and just down right lostness. well as many of you know i wasted a whole year of my life in 2006. but 2007 and now the start of 2008 i have really learned to grow. i have learned to help. i have learned to be open. so in this i have tried to give words of wisdom to this wonderful friend. so i want to tell you all some of the subjects i have learned about....

FORGIVENESS....wow is that a hard thing to come to grips with. i mean really when you are hurt the thing you want to do most is hate. and hold that anger in. ok so what many of you dont know about is that when i was really young i was taken advantage of. so for the next 12 years i become more and more angry. for 12 years i held onto this hate, this anger that at anytime could over flow for all to see. but now after five years of being open with what happened i am free!! i found that the only thing that not forgiving brings is bitterness. i went to counseling but that did not help me let go of my bitterness. you want to know why...well it is sooo much easier to hold and keep it as my own like box of hate. but i can tell you that after you let go...wow i cant even tell you what that is like. is it hard to let go..yes, is it something you WANT to do...no, but the freedom you gain for it is total and complete. for 12 years my family knew me as a very angry lil kid. but now i am the happy-go-lucky kid. i just learned to live it all out. that is one of the greatest things i hope to teach people this summer when i am home. one thing that has helped me is learning to breath. just take a deep breath....think of the cross. and what He did there for you. i know i know people say to call out to the promise you have in that but really how many of us truly take the time to stop and do that. i know i dont do that as much as i should. but really just take like two or three minutes and just breath. it totally helps you see what is wrong and you feel a lil better about what is going on.

TRUST...wow now i dont know which is harder to learn to do. but i know that trust is something i know all about. try having to carry a burden when you are like 6, a burden that most adults dont even know how to handle. having your childhood ripped from you is a hard thing when you have all this "stuff" inside that you dont even know what to do with. over the last three weeks or so i have grown soo much. its all about taking risks. taking that step with your eyes closed, opening up you soul, standing on the edge of the cliff and jumping. knowing that it is NOW and knowing God will help you to fly. it take small steps to learn to trust. we all have had our trust broken at one time or another. and it takes time to heal that wound. but it would never heal if you keep your self guarded and closed off. to learn what true trust is take the risk and willingness to fail/hurt. one of the sayings i came up with is this...LOVE IS BETTER OPEN AND HONEST THEN GUARDED AND UNRISKED. i mean how many times have you held back because you were afraid to get hurt. i know i have. but the greatest love and trust i have in my life is in the relationship i to the most risks and was open the most. in that relationship i have been hurt yes but the joy far over takes the hurt.

so that is what i have learned. i hope it encourages you all. i really look forward to teaching at least one person how to live all out. i mean after seeing death soooooooo close to my heart i have learned to live out. so all that i know in washington be ready for a truly wonderful summer, cause the crazy greekkid is coming home!!!

tattoos....

well i was reading a good friends blog about tattoos and thought to myself...hmmm i love them, but are they right or wrong? i thought that though my parents are not really that fond of them, they have every right to what they think. i just think that each tells a story of who i am, where i am gone, and what i have done. i mean can tattoos be bad, yes. but i think that it about the heart of the person getting one. i know, i know, God says each body is a temple. but really have you read about the temple they built back in then? i mean that temple would totally blow anything built today away. it took seven years to build, it was carefully planed, each piece was placed with care, it was lavish, it was totally over the top (not in a bad way), but you know what, it was built for the right reasons. i dont just get tattoos to be cool. i mean they are cool, but they are meaningful to me. they tell a story. so here are my tattoo stories....

so this tattoo is one i just got last month. as you can see it is of a greek warrior. i had been wanting to get a greek tattoo for awhile now. and after seeing 300, i really wanted something like that. i am in the US Army, and have always felt that i was born to fight, born to be a warrior. as you can see in the picture he is battle wear, and that is just

like me. not so much on the outside, but more emotional battle scars.the next one i got on july 1st 2006. most of you know that 06 was a really really hard year for me. so i went looking for something that was different. something that people would see and would be like wow that is cool. and well i have this thing with people saying that i am soo young, oh im just a kid. so i got this tribel faded. saying that i am may be young when it comes to how many years old i am, but i am well versed  in life and am weathered. i like it a lot cause it is really shows who i am. in that it is not like others and i am ok with being who i am. 

the next one is one i got in sept of 05. i was on leave and it had been a little over three months sense my team leader and Lt. had been killed in iraq. they were killed on 17 june 05. sfc salie died on 14 feb 05. i have sense added two names ssg brown and pfc simmons. they were killed easter of 07. its just my way of paying tribute to the couple of men i know that gave their lives for this country. 

the next which i cant seem to get in the right spot is an M-16, helmet, and a pair of boots. this is what we do when we say our last good-byes. i got this for all of my infantry that have died for this country in our many times going to war. i got is right out of basic training in 2004. i also have the word "Better" down my right for arm and "Days" down my left. i also got this one right our of basic training. i got it cause i knew that  the day ahead would be hard and i wanted something that would keep me smiling. just a way to say hey its alright cause there will be better days ahead.

well i hope you all understand where i am coming for with all of this. i would love to hear what you all have to say. 

wow my parents are nuts...

ok so as most of you know my parents are going to be going to Africa. but they have no idea what that means. i mean i am sure they have heard from friends, but still just the same. they need someone like the guy in the picture. a grizzled old war vet, knows what it take to live and survive in a crazy wold that is not anything close the sweet town that is Lynden. i mean really i know they have been praying and have a ton of people praying about. i think they should wait for someone to get home.....now i dont know who that someone is but i have an idea. i mean i love you dad and mom but you too have no experience with "real" third world countries. and everyone can use a bodyguard. or at least someone who knows a little about protection. not to say that God cant do a good job cause i know all about His protection. it just seems like He has given you a son for just a reason. but hey i know God is our protector. does not mean i cant worry...hey they worry about me i think that it is only fair that i get to.

God does wonders....

so i am free and clear. i got in a little trouble but nothing like i though. i got "smoked" which is pretty much like doing a million push up, sit ups, running with a sand bag, you know things that us suck, but its alright. the whole other issue is not going to be followed up. i guess that guy had a change of heart and did not want to follow up with he had said. i think what happened was everyone saw that is was just something that was made up so try and take me down. but after a week or so of prayer and really crying out to God. He did what He has always done and helps those who cry out to Him. so yeah for all of you that were wondering...ie mom! love ya all. thanks for all the prayer you all do on my behalf. 

snow?

yes that is what it did the other day...here in baghdad, iraq! i was saying the other day that is would be great to see some snow. but i had little thoughts that it really would. but i woke up to the freezing cold, the heater had gone out and i was a lil mad. but a buddy came running in my room to tell me that is was snowing!! so to say the least it was the best day i have ever had in iraq by far. soo great! it snowed for most of the morning. nothing was sticking but still it was totally great to see snow and get to stand in it. well i hope you all are doing well. i will be righting more really soon.

so where ever do i start. my lil sis cassie has had one forever so i though to myself, "hmmm you should start one." so here it is my first blog. woooo woooo for me. so here i am in baghdad, iraq. this is my second tour to iraq, and by the time i get out of here i will have spent 27 months out of the last four years here!! i have done, seen, heard, and learned a lot while being here. i have lost five friends over here. which has taken its toll on me over the last two, almost three years. but i know i will get through it with the help and grace of God. over the last ten months i have learned soo much about myself and who i am. what most of you don't know is that the year of 2006 was well a crap shoot for me. i mean i cant even tell you what happened the month of jan because i drank soo much. and that was really what my life was all year. that and the woman. i just feel soo ashamed for the way i acted. and when i think about it i always come back to what my dad us to tell me all the time when i was a kid...."is what you are doing honoring our last name?" and i can say that i did about the poorest job a son could do over the whole year. the thing is i know right from wrong. i know how i should be living yet i failed. i would not do anything different, because i am who i am now. and i cant take it back. i have to just use all that i have learned and use it for the better. 

so most know me as the happy-go-lucky guy. but what you don't know is that i have had to deal with a lot of depression over the last year or two. living in Ga has been one of the hardest things i have ever done. i love my family and it is really hard being away from them. ok well that is my first blog...i know i know it is random but hey its me. check back for more in the crazy wild life of me!